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Because I say so

It’s not how we fall, it’s how we get back up again.”

Sometimes I feel like life is a constant race. A person creates goals, and motivates themselves to push through to reach them. We ‘GO, GO, GO’ until we can’t anymore. While I’m the first person to say that creating goals, or having dreams is AWESOME. Because if we didn’t have something to work towards, what exactly would we be doing? It can honestly take a toll on a person.

Who I am, and how I live my life is the perfect real life example of this. I have always been a hard worker, as being a good employee regardless of the job I was doing was always something I took great pride in. It’s what mattered the most to me. If it was the cashier job I did while in High school, I had to do it at 100%. I have always expected so much from myself which in my opinion, is my best personality trait as well as my greatest flaw. I put all of me into my work and struggle immensely to balance myself out; career vs life. There was no balance, no 50/50, just all or nothing. Goals upon goals of where I wanted to be within my life as in stable job and income. But a lack of goals when it came to doing things for myself, partaking in activities, or just discovering what I enjoy doing. I have never given myself that ‘you’ time. It just has never existed. I’ve come to realize that over the years I’ve only defined myself through my employment; my status was ‘Hannah McKellar — job title”. Not ‘Hannah McKellar — happy’ or ‘Hannah McKellar — daughter, friend, and book enthusiast’. Who I am has always been defined by where I am in life; my career status and income.

And then I started to get sick, and could no longer work in the career I have been working so hard towards. I have put my all into this and have been told I can no longer continue doing the one thing I’ve dedicated so much time to? My career goals, my future goals, any goals in general — GONE. And now I’ve been left to sit here and think… ok… so who the hell am I then if I’m not ‘Hannah McKellar — job title’? It’s as if I’ve been told to redefine myself entirely. What a hard pill to swallow.

I have been chasing after something, creating said goals, partaking in this race of life, GOING AND GOING, until I couldn’t anymore. Do you know how hard it is to go from 100 MPH every day — all day, to 5 MPH — so exhausted that a snails pace was even too fast?

It has affected me physically, mentally and emotionally. Rediscovering who I am and what I truly enjoy doing at 20 years old shouldn’t be so damn hard, but holy man is it ever. I have never had the time to sit and think about the hobbies I enjoy or dislike.

Last week I participated in a ridiculous amount of self loathing. I cried an endless amount of tears, and felt like I wasn’t going to be able to pick myself back up. Well I’m calling bullshit. Yeah OK this does suck. But what is feeling bad for myself going to do?

So I have fallen. Hard. But now, it’s time to pick myself back up. I am rediscovering the things I find joy in, and learning so much about myself. I’ve realized that this time I now have to myself to figure out what’s next, is a blessing.

I truly hate relying on other people, and have always taken great pride in being able to depend on only myself. Although having to lean on people during this hard time in my life is extremely difficult, I’m choosing to look at the positive side of things and am going to feel grateful for my friends and family who are helping me through.

The meaning behind this post is rather vague, and has been all over the place. But I wanted to put this out there for anybody else who may be going through something. Whatever it is, you’re not alone. You have every right to cry, be sad, scream, you name it. Let it all out. But do not let the bad moments define the rest of your life. Take what is happening to you and turn it into a positive. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and make shit happen.

I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I want to believe in that, because if it weren’t true, why would we be going through the things we are now?

“You can’t appreciate the good days without a few bad ones.

So hi there.

My name is Hannah McKellar.

I’m not going to be defined by my illnesses, or defined by my health issues.

I’m not going to be defined by my career.

Or the amount of money in my bank account.

I’m a happy, weird, kind, selfless person, the rest to be determined as I figure it out.

That’s my definition. That’s who I am because I say so.

Who do YOU want to be? Go out and make it happen.

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